The maid of honor just puked.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
