uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
