im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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