my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
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You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
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If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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