There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
