Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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