I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
