I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
