Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
