I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
