You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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