it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
