mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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