I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
