Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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