Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize