Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
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