So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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