I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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