our cab driver is having phone sex.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
