woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
