i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
