I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
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