New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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