im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Randomize
