I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
