I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
