Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I touched a dick in church today
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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