I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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