I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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