He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
