why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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