You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Randomize
