3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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