I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
