Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
