I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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