Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
