can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
