Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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