You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
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Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
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Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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