If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
