i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
