oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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