Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
