I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
