I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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