i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
