nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize