i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
