I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'm too high and old for this...
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
