she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
