Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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