My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
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