I think i sorta joined a cult last night
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
