I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
